Well, it is 7:40PM and we just got back from Minden Louisiana. First off I love my kids, but it is very tiring to travel with them. Would it be wrong to say, “I need help!” Because I really do need help with them.

I mean I packed the truck alone, loaded them in it alone, and I am tired and my body aches. I usually try to keep the amount of time we get in and out of the car to a minimum, because lifting Misty and that wheel chair over and over starts to hurt after a while. On a trip, it is necessary to load and reload the kids in the car more than the usual day going shopping.

Add to that all the luggage and ice chest filled with Coke and water, and I am beat. Not to mention all the things that we have to do that are easier done in a well equipped home. I have to make sure that everyone else’s needs are met first… It would sometimes be easier to be very selfish, but I can’t bring myself to be that way.

Did I say that I needed help? It would be nice to have someone to help me on a daily basis with all this. It would be nice to have someone who doesn’t think to themselves “well it looks like Gene can do it by himself, so I will sit here till he is done”. Yes, I can do it by myself, but it would be nice…

The trip back was really tough. Getting up at 5AM, and motivating sleepy girls to get ready to go, I loaded 95% of the truck alone. Stopping to get gas, no one wanted to even offer moral support (I guess they were too hungry), and while tanking the truck up, the nozzle cut off and gas splashed all over my arms up to my elbows and on my shirt.

Everyone was a trooper though, because they didn’t let it bother them while they took 3 hours to eat, and I sat there getting sick from the gas fumes that I couldn’t seem to wash off me. The trip back was great as I sat there in quiet, as they all slept, while I fought off sleep for the 3 hour trip (still smelling gas on me).

When we get home, everyone was so happy, they forgot to help me unload the truck. They were much to focused on getting to take their baths before me. That way I would have more time to wash the 3 loads of clothes that need to be repacked to go back to their mom’s house and get the school uniforms done.

So I opted to blog it all out of my system…

Despite how tired I am after unloading the car, and getting the kids bathed first (I need to get this gasoline off of me), the trip to Minden was very beneficial. The people there were so very helpful, and they shared a wealth of information with me.

They spoke with me on how they did their children’s outreaches, and I am inspired and excited. Every thing they showed me was doable, and I know that I will be able to incorporate a lot of it into the Children’s Outreaches over here.

The one thing that I saw there, that is out of my control, is the volunteers that show up to be a part of it. Just like I am perfectly capable of doing things for my kids without help, I know that I can do this Children’s Ministry without help. That would be very stupid of me though.

To think that I don’t need help is dumb, and I am well aware that to pull off a project like this, I need a lot of people stepping up and helping me. I can’t do this alone, and alone the frustrations would be amplified. So I am believing God to send help my way.

There is so much that the Father in Heaven wants to do for the kids in our community, and I am willing to take it on…

On a side note, tomorrow is my birthday. I am not sure what I will be doing, but I am tempted to go drop the kids off at school, and come home and sleep all day. I though I was going to have something to do, but I guess not.

There is one thing that I guess I don’t need help with… getting older… lol

Well, it is now 8:18PM and the kids are too tired to motivate themselves, so I guess I need to go do that. I think that after I get them in bed, I am going to do make me some hot chocolate and soak in a bubble bath. I need to get this smell off me, and be in bed before I turn 41.

Gotta get up early and motivate the girls again in the morning…

Thank you Father God for being a good example of how a Dad needs to be.

I went to eat at this Chinese Buffet with my mom today, and we had a good talk. I was troubled by a conversation I just had on the phone, because it seemed like they wanted to fuss.

When Mary and I announced that we were getting married, I would have to say that 99% of the people who heard were happy for us. Most everyone told me how happy they were for me, and that God’s hand was on this.

Of the 1% that weren’t happy, I have been getting constant drama from them. It kind of breaks my heart that the one percent, are the ones that I had hoped would be there for me and rejoice with me. Mary is a great woman, and she has been such a support to me and the calling that I have.

After we ate, we received the bill and two fortune cookies.

Commitment is the stuff character is made of, the power to change the face of things.

As I thought about this (Please note that not all fortune cookies are to be taken as gospel truth), I thought about the past commitments that I have had. Well, if I am honest, I called them commitments, but in retrospect they really weren’t.

A commitment isn’t just a verbal promise, but it is a continuous lifelong action. I have made commitments in the past that I have mistakenly allowed to fall by the wayside. Commitments to “be there whenever you need me”, or to “love you forever”, and even ones like “never hurt you on purpose”.

But we do… I do… People change, promises die, we get distracted, hurt and offended, and the commitments to “be there till the end” are all but a distant memory.

When we make a commitment and follow through, things happen. Changes take place that effect the world for the better.

It is funny that during this election time, we hear about change. Change is needed in todays world, because people have become basically selfish, and we don’t care who our actions hurt. I mean, what makes me so important, that my “feelings and emotions” have a place over yours? Change doesn’t happen with an election or new laws, but it happens with us. It happens in our hearts.

I went and saw a movie called “Fireproof”, and it was about a couple’s marriage falling apart. It wasn’t until there was a heart change that a commitment could be genuinely followed through with. It wasn’t until one person decided to forget their own needs, that a true commitment could happen.

God is the only one who never went back on His commitments. When the Father in Heaven committed to love us it was forever. He said that He would never leave us or forsake us. He never looks at our sins and shortcomings and turns His back on us in disgust. His arms are always open towards us, even when we openly attack Him.

When Jesus committed to die to forgive us, it was no matter what. No matter how much we did to hurt Him, or how bad we think our sins were, Jesus still died for those sins. Jesus never looked to retaliate, but He choose to take the high road and forgive.

The Holy Spirit committed to help us to live like we should. He shows us all that we need to “get it right”, even when He knows in advance, whether or not, we will do what He is telling us to do.

I am so far from perfect, and I have made mistakes that I am not proud of. I have not lived the committed life that I would like to, but I continue to try to. I don’t try to do this because I am something special, but because I really don’t want to offend my Father in Heaven.

I need His help everyday of my life, and I would like to apologize to to those who I have dropped the ball of commitment with. Everyday of my life, I try to make “my life” less of my life, and more of God’s life.

Last night my pastors celebrated 19 years in the ministry, with a church banquet. First off, let me say that I love my pastors. They are an exceptional couple, and have been with me through all my ups and downs in the last few years.

Unlike some pastors, they are attainable. They take the time to visit with people that they have never met, and they are there to actually “minister” to people. To give you an idea of their heart, Pastor Belinda’s office doesn’t even have a door.

We had an awesome banquet to celebrate those exceptional years. Roman was there to cook the best food (once again)! As we sat there, Pastor Carl thanked us all for all we do to help them. It feels good to know that the people we serve under, see and appreciate all of us.

I was so happy to see how God put 2 people together, and how they submit to Him. It is by their submitting to the Father, they are able to be so blessed in the ministry entrusted to them. They have set aside their own personal preferences and feelings, so that they can succeed in their calling together.

I am sure they have had many chances to be offended with each other, but they don’t see the here and now. They look to their future, and do what is necessary to successfully get there. I want that for me…

I was so happy to be able to be there with Mary for that.

I am to the point where I am miserable when I am not around her, and all I think about is the next time we can be together. Tonight we are going out on a date (seems like forever since we could be alone to just talk), and I am looking forward to it.

As we sat there, I could see that Satan was trying to put a wedge in between us. I know that Mary and I have a calling together, and that we both are willing to surrender to that calling. That devil would like nothing better than to tear us apart.

As Pastor Carl spoke of church business, he looked to us and told the congregation that we would be taking over the children’s ministry (oh yeah… we are taking over the leadership of the children’s ministry at church). He also announced to the church that we were getting married in February. I sat there with pride that I could be with Mary.

I have known of my callings for so long, and I have put all that on hold because of offenses that the devil threw at me. First real one was Michelle, and her not wanting any part of that. Second one was me being in a relationship that was no good for me (If you are in anything like that, take my advice and get out of it now… Trust me on this. There is no faster escape from the blessing of being in God’s will for your life).

I know without a doubt, that the Father in Heaven put Mary and I together, and I know that the devil has his sights on us to destroy us. I will make every effort to not allow any offenses stop us from getting to where we need to be, and I will not allow satan to get a foothold on the plan God has for us.

We have a brighter future together! Thank you Father God for Brighter Futures!

I have some news that I want to share with my blog readers.

For the last 9 months I have been seeing someone, and the first 8 months we were just friends. We would sit and talk for hours and just enjoy each other’s company.

I find this kind of odd but we both had issues that we had to deal with. She told everyone for over 6 years that she didn’t want a husband or to date anyone. She was content to raise her kids alone.

If you read my blog, you know I had issues of my own. Finishing a divorce, and weeding out all the bad influences of my life, I prayed “God, I don’t want to date any more drama queens. You know what I need, so I will just let you get her to me”.

I remember on November 18, 2007, I was at Mary’s house with my kids. She had asked me to come over and set up a computer that someone had given her 6 months earlier. I thought it was so cool that she had no interest in computers.

As we all sat there talking, I mentioned telling her about a Greek Restaurant names Zeus, and before I knew it, I asked her to go eat there. Without thinking she said yes, and it was so funny because you could see that we both were thinking to ourselves “what just happened?”

On December 3rd we went out to eat for our first non-date. As we sat down, the first thing I told her was that I didn’t want to be known as dating anyone till my divorce was final. Mary and I sat there and for 8 months were brutally honest with each other about everything from love to money. We would go to church, and no one had a clue (or so we thought).

We confessed past sins, and gloried in God’s grace. It was nice to site with someone who was a Christian that actually wanted to serve the Father. We talked about our visions and dreams, and it was great.

When my divorce came to a close, I started to think about my future. I made the mistake of considering past options (because I promised), but that lasted all of like 15 minutes. I could sense the Holy Spirit telling me to ask Mary what her feelings were, but because we were so brutally honest, I was afraid to.

In our heart, we knew that the Father was placing us together. I said that I would join eHarmony, but the Holy Spirit said ask her. When I finally asked her, the doors opened up for both of us. It is amazing how the right person can be right under our nose, but because we waste our time on what is wrong for us, we miss out.

Anyway, God has confirmed His will in us in so many ways.

We have decided to go ahead and get Married. We find that as we tell people, His will is confirmed even more.

Thank you Father God for your will for my life, and thank you that you saw fit to provide me a help meet…

I have to praise the Father in heaven for the Hedge of Protection that He placed over my family and home during hurricane Gustav. I really was getting chapped at the Weather Channel for all the fear that they were pumping into people, and I got to the point where I chose to just turn off the news and allow God’s peace to direct me.

As I prayed and prepared for the storm, I felt a complete peace in my heart that everything would be ok. Mary and I worked to tie down as much as we could, but we both knew that God would protect all that we had. We knew to practice wisdom, but we were not going to allow fear to drive us to be silly in the way we behaved.

The news was billing this as the worst hurricane that Lafayette faced in over 20+ years, and people were leaving town in droves. When God gives you a peace, and you learn to receive it, it will keep you from making very costly mistakes.

We both knew that it would be a big financial hit to hit the road. The gas stations and hotel rooms were expenses that we didn’t want to pay, and eating out… If you know me, I need a buffet to get my money’s worth.

We did choose to stay at my parent’s house, and we were even checking e-mail as the lights were going out. It seems that satan was doing all he could to get us into anger and fear, but we chose to just rest in the peace of God. If he couldn’t get us with fear, he was trying to rob our peace by certain e-mail… We just refused to let him get to us.

As the storm blew through, we were having a good time. My mom went into internet withdrawals about halfway into it, and my dad stuck a flashlight on his forehead and read a book. Mary and I sat on the sofa and watched out the south windows as my parent’s fence blew down.

Really the storm wasn’t bad at all. We could see how God just dissolved it into nothing, and were grateful for the miracle He worked. We even found ourselves waiting for the eye of the storm to pass, when it seemed the second half never showed up. It was at that point when we decided to go out for a walk to assess the damage.

The road into the subdivision had several trees down, and people were out driving around. The city placed a curfew until the power could be restored, and we were grateful for that. It seemed that there are looters that take advantage of a storm for financial gain. In fact I came up with a new saying for bad behaviour…

“You are behaving as badly as a New Orleans hurricane evacuee”

After everything subsided, Mary and I went out to our houses to see the damage and really we both had less damage to our mobile homes than my parents did to their house. We spent a day and a half without power, but there was such a cool breeze that we slept fairly well. We do have some cleaning up to do, but that is a “light thing”.

I really have to thank the Father in Heaven for His love and peace as He protects us.

As some of you may know from reading my blog, I went through some other types of storms in the last few years. I have had my ups and downs, but it has been God who has been my refuge. he has delivered me and provided for me in so many ways.

I was going through some old pictures of me from when it seemed like life was much easier. I used to be such a shutter bug, and loved to take pictures and do different things.

Back then I was so free to enjoy life for life’s sake. It seemed that somewhere along the way, I got to caught up in day to day mess of getting what I didn’t have, that I forgot to enjoy my life in those things that I did have. Taking pictures was fun for me, because I could focus in on the areas of life that I wanted to focus on, and everything else was left out of the frame.

So I broke down and got me a new DSLR camera, and have been having fun.

I have been so blessed by God in so many ways, and the only thing that I can attribute it to is that I have put Him first, and done my best to be obedient.

When it came to my relationships and dating, I knew what He wanted me to do, and it seems that out of nowhere he blessed me with someone that was right under my nose. Mary and I have been having so much fun, and we also know that God has placed us on the same road together.

I remember the story that God told me a while back about how I was looking for someone to travel on life’s journey with me, and what I needed to do was start walking, and He would place someone on that road that was already going in the same direction that I was. Mary and I have been dating for 9 months, and I have been very glad for her friendship.

It is awesome how God can take us full circle, if only we let Him do so.

I know as Christians, we are to be the light of the world, but today I was blessed with a light in return.

As some of you may know, I bought this old mobile home when I moved back from St. Thomas, and while it is livable, there are several minor projects that are taking their time to be done.

The other day I went into my bathroom, and as usual I still didn’t have a sink, mirror or light. I said a small prayer telling God that it would be nice to have a light in there to brighten it up.

Today I went to Home Depot to find a bolt for Mary’s lawn tractor seat, and I decided to go look for a light. I usually check the clearance aisle, and if there is a deal, I get it. There wasn’t much on sale, so I went to the swag aisle.

Now I am not a big fan of swag lights, but because of the placement of the fixture on the ceiling and where the sink will go, it needs to be offset to make the light hang over the future sink. There wasn’t much there and any light would have been $35 and up.

I moved on to the track lights, and was looking around when I saw this box that didn’t look like it belonged there. It was a swag type light, but it was more contemporary (didn’t have that dated old chain.)

My bathroom is a mix of Victorian and Contemporary. The porcelain is Victorian, but the fixtures (paper holder and such) are Brushed Nickel Contemporary. To my surprise the light fixture matched very well and only cost $14 bucks!

I went over to the self checkout, and the light rang up as $.01. Being honest, I called over the cashier, and she rang it up and removed it several ways. She called over the Manager, and he did the same. After a while he removed it, and said “just keep it, it is yours”. Didn’t even cost me a penny.

I was so excited I left and forgot Mary’s bolt and tractor seat…

The light fixture is installed and perfect for my bathroom. Thank you Father God for the blessing today.

After over 2 and a half years, today is the day that finalizes the divorce. According to our lawyer, today is the day for the paperwork that was filed, to move over to the judge to be declared done. As I have counted down the days, wondering if it is really going to be true, I have had many emotional swings.

I haven’t felt “married” for at least 2 of those years, but the idea that it is done leaves me with one major feeling. I can’t help but feel like a failure, and many questions run through my mind, and I have been dealing with this.

What could I have done to make her love me? Why did I have to get upset about the lack of intimacy? Why could I have just been happy to live like room mates? Was it because I wasn’t rich enough? Good looking enough? Smart enough? What was the one thing I did so wrong? Was it a bunch of things that I did wrong?

I still remember the day that we sat the kids down and told them that their parents were divorcing. It was the day before Mallory’s birthday, and I felt like the biggest failure as a dad. What a jerk I must have been to my baby girl.

Actually it was me that said it to them, while she sat back. There was no “separation with hopes to work it out”, or “Gene, I love you, and I am sorry, let’s don’t do this”. It was me bailing her out, and feeling like I was giving her what she wanted.

That was all I ever wanted to do… Be her hero, her provider, make her happy. I felt as if I was going to die, but in the end I guess I gave her all she wanted. I remember saving the $750 to pay for our lawyer, because we didn’t want to fight between 2 lawyers. I asked her if she was sure when we went to sign, and her response what that she “could do, and deserved better”.

I remember 2 days after Christmas, she moved out and took everything she could. Even now when I go to her house to get the kids, I see 16 years of my blood, sweat and tears over there. The only different thing is that I am no longer a part of it. I failed so badly that I deserved to loose it all… again.

My last act of love to her was to give her everything she wanted and start off with nothing. As I think on it, Jesus did the same for me. When I told Him that I could do better, used Him for what I could get, and He let me go to live a selfish life without Him “controlling” me.

I came back to Jesus, and told Him I loved Him. I needed Him to be my hero, and provider.

I remember standing in Church several times, and feeling the Holy Spirit give me release from her. I remember Him telling me that He wouldn’t abandon me, and that He has a “brighter future” for me. I accepted His loving restoration, and I have been free for some time.

So as I look back on today, and I feel like a failure, I am reminded that the grace of God and the blood of Jesus, fills in the areas that I am lack in. Yes I wish I would have and could have been different, but I have to move on. I wont allow past regrets to hinder brighter futures.

I said that I wouldn’t date anymore until the divorce is final. Tomorrow I am leaving for a vacation with my kids, and when I get back, I am going to allow myself to love and feel again. I want to have someone who will let me love them, and I am going to take things in stride. The walls were torn down a while back, and I can embrace the future now.

When Michelle first moved out, I bought 2 photo albums. I put all the pictures from my marriage in the first one, and called it “The Past”. I set aside the second one for after the divorce is final, but I am going to try something different.

This blog has been my pressure valve, and I have vented, cried and healed on it. I have decided to have the blog printed into a book so that I can have a tangible record of what a divorce really does to a person.

If you have been entertaining leaving your spouse, I have one piece of advice to offer you. Work on it as long as you can, and work on it as if divorce wasn’t an option. If you do go for the divorce, it will rip you to shreds. Some of us had no choice, if you still have the choice, choose to work it out.

Imagine yourself sitting your kids down and telling them. See their faces as the news sinks in, hear their cries, and wait for them to tell you in the future “well didn’t you give up when you got divorced?” It will rip you up.

I have had to move through it, but nothing was worth it. I have a brighter future now, and I am ready for what the Father has for me. My life is starting new today.

I never re-post other people’s blogs, but this one stood out to me.

It is a letter that is sent to a husband from a wife. A woman who sees the value of a letter like this, and acts on it, will unleash so much power out of her husband that she will benefit in ways that she can not imagine.

In all my years, I never once received a letter from a wife/girlfriend like this. There were times that I really needed it. There were times when I was beating myself up to the point that I felt like I was dieing inside, and all I got was words that crushed me even more or words that tried to lead me away from the Faith that kept me going.

There were times that I got no words at all (either good or bad), but actions of disgust or rejection.

If you have a significant other that desires to live a life that is above board, don’t judge them for it, but build them up in it.

The letter goes like this:

My Beloved,

Although the past has brought us both happiness and heartache, I would like to encourage you to continue on your journey to being healed and restored. God is already teaching you so much about who He intended you to be. Through you healing, the lies of the world that tried to reshape you have been made visible and undesirable. Your restoration to God’s plan for your life is becoming an attractive reality. I thank you for your new commitment to keep you mind and body pure for me, as I do for you. Your diligence in seeking a stronger, more intimate relationship with God impresses me beyond words. I see James 1:2-6 alive in you.

Your faithfulness in being a servant of God is inspiring my growth. Your ability to hear from God and submit to His plans for your life humbles me. Your full and complete trust in the Father is strengthening my complete trust in you. A desire to follow you is increasing in me daily. As you are growing in servant hood, I now see you transforming to son ship with God. You are becoming mightier – fully dressed in the armor of God. (I love a man in uniform.) You are now in complete understanding of Ephesians 6.

What a beautiful time in your life it is. You are rising to your new place of son ship. God is now bringing you in closer- showing you the whole of His perfect love and grace. He is so proud of you and how well you have done, as am I. You have developed the mind of Christ. I am in awe of your ability to know and put onto action the Word of God, not only into your life but also into the lives of others. Your ease in communicating with the Holy Spirit quiets my fears. More than anything, your growing, intimate relationship with the Father warms my heart. God is showing both of us His infinite love and grace, not only for each other but of our families as well. As our two families come together, I ask you to stand in agreement with me on Ephesians 3: 14-19. This agreement is the first in our steps to partner together.

I absolutely delight in seeing you walk every day in 1 John 1-5. Your partnership with God is our source of happiness. You have come so far and have overcome so much. You are my hero. You handle you new responsibilities with such ease, proving to all the truth of Matthew 11:30. A desire to follow you and help you achieve all that God has called you to do is growing in me. You have captured my heart.

I am completely elated to know that God loves me so much that He has chose a man for me, that He now calls a friend. Your actions are now in rhythm with the desires of the Father. Thank you for listening to God. We will now come to one another wholly and not hastily. Our future is full of the Promises of God, and our inheritance is immeasurable. I praise God for the covenant that the two of you share and look forward to the day I join in that covenant. I now find myself smiling at the mere thought of you.

You Beloved.

I haven’t really been giving dating any thoughts lately, because I have been waiting for the divorce to be final. It has been a very long time since Michelle moved out (Dec 27th, 2005), and I’ve been basically finding out who I am.

I would definitely say that life has been financially easier for me since then, even though I let her just “take it all”. I have had to repurchase just about everything to run a household, but really that is no big deal. I am not one that needs “things” to be happy.

My life is much simpler now, even though there were some things that I had to just get over. It was tough to be with a person that didn’t know how to just be happy. I learned that you can do everything for someone, and if they can’t be happy, it will frustrate you and make you do things that you regret.

I don’t have any anger towards her, and it isn’t even a temptation to be snide towards her when I hear her still complain about the same things that she blamed me for. Yes it hurt to be told that she “could do and deserved better”, but love will never say “I told you so”.

I am learning that.

After she moved out, I tried to date, but I wasn’t ready. All I would do is compare a girlfriend to how I was treated before, and that wasn’t fair to anyone. Plus, I really didn’t need to be dragging my girls through some mid-life drama because I wasn’t ready to date, and also while I was still legally married to their mom.

They would tell me to date. They wanted to see me with someone who made me happy, but I have to do what is right. I had people tell me to date, and try to set me up, but I had to be ready. I had to fix me.

I have always been the marrying kind of guy, and I hate being alone. I don’t like going to bed by myself, and I really want someone that I can do things for. I want a help mate that shares my visions, and doesn’t have to feel that they have to change who they are, to make me happy. I want someone who seeks to make God happy first (not themselves and not me).

I have been praying that the Father will just tell me who He wants for me. He knows me better than I know myself, and He knows who I need. He knows who will compliment me, and who I will compliment. So I have been doing other things till then.

I got a few emails the last couple days, and they got me thinking. I don’t “go out” much, because it hasn’t been a big priority to me. I went out with a friend quite a few times, because I felt she was “safe”. I have had so much fun just being able to talk to someone, without any drama.

I have a feeling that we both have these walls up, and that has been a form of protection. We just went to eat, talked about Life, Love and Faith, and I need that. I didn’t want any drama to cloud my mind, and these walls have kept it at bay.

Anyway, back to this email… This email offered me hope of closure to several things in my life, and as I responded to it, I thought about the protective walls that I had set up. When I go out with people, I make it a point to tell them up front that I wasn’t going to pursue anything deeper until the divorce was final.

I figured that if I said that, and they walked away, then fine. I was upfront and honest, and wouldn’t lead anyone on. I am not going to hurt anyone. Anyone who knows me, has heard me say that quite often, and most everyone agrees and supports me.

Oh… that email… As I responded to it, I thought about someone in particular and said this…

“She trusts in Jesus, and goes to church.

She thinks computers and the internet are a waste of time.

She teaches children at church.

She has a ministry, and we can talk about Jesus endlessly.

I told her that I was waiting for my divorce, and she respected that.

She is open and honest, even if it reveals a bad side of her.

I could go on…”

As I have been thinking about this list, I realized that I need to lower the walls. The last thing I want is to let walls of protection become walls of a prison. I think that I am finally ready to “date”, even though it scares me…

In High School I never dated, because it scared me. I had so many crushes, but I let fear keep me from doing anything. I think dating is over rated, and really you have to be in a position to love people for who they really are.

I don’t want a relationship with someone who forgets I exist, or rips me up when they are moody. I don’t need a girlfriend for “having a girlfriend”s sake, and I don’t want someone because I don’t want to go to bed alone either. I don’t want to date someone who will compare my every move to their ex, I lived with that for years, and no one should go through it.

We as a society place way to much value on pseudo-marriages. We date till we are frustrated, break up, and move to the next one. We have proms that are fake weddings, and give away parts of our lives to everyone, while saving nothing new for our future spouse. I believe faithfulness in marriage, happens before marriage…. call me an idealist, but I wont go there.

I need someone, that the Father knows will go with me, where ever He needs us to go.

I received a word from a ministering couple about a month ago, and it went like this…

“Don’t be in a hurry, Don’t be in a hurry, Don’t be in a hurry

Because the Lord’s building character in you

The Lord’s building character in you, and that takes time”

When I first heard this, I prayed as to what it meant, because it applied to many areas of my life. I wondered if it was for a ministry, work, getting things for my kids, or whatever. I wondered what “character” defect God needed to fix, and I prayed and gave Him full permission to do what he needed to do.

It dawned on me that this word was more of a confirmation of how I felt about dating. I didn’t want to hurry, and I knew I needed work, and God was simply helping me to close off some of the doors that I had left open. I can begin to see that a certain door is opening up for me, and He will reveal something soon that is life changing.

I have started to tear down the walls that have been keeping me from positive relationships. I think it is time to start building a new place in my life to hold for what God has for me. I am so grateful to my Father for preparing a new life for me, even though I stopped seeking it.

Many times my Lord saw me stuck in “a rock and hard place”, and he lifted me out of it, in many ways. He revealed so many things to me, and confirmed them more than once. I am ready for the next step, and will take it when the time is right.

Thanks again Jesus, for your willingness to save me…

Thanks Father, for lifting me up, so that I can lift you up…

Thanks Sweet Holy Spirit for being there 24/7…

I am ready

I was talking to my kids the other day, and mentioned the term “spiritual eyes” to them in passing. I had been praying that God would grow me up spiritually to the point that I could see the “hidden” things of God. I know that my Heavenly Daddy has so much for me, and He is waiting for me to be mature enough to recognize those things.

When I mentioned that (spiritual eyes) to my kids, one of them told me that her teacher told them that “the reason that God closes our spiritual eyes, is so that we wont go crazy from what we see through them.” I was taken back at first at how childish her teacher’s perception was concerning this, and I prayed about it. I was reminded several months back as I was praying, when a question came to my mind about this very thing.

I don’t know where the question came from, or where in me I heard it, but I remember it clearly. I felt as if God was asking me “If I wanted to show you the spiritual as plain as the natural (where angels and demons were as clear as trees and people to my eyes), would you want to see it?” I remember my reply was first an attempt to be “humble and lowly”, and I thought “No I don’t think I could handle it… It would be to scary to see a huge demon standing before me”.

After a couple of seconds I responded out loud “But God, I would be able to see how much bigger you were than those tiny little demons, so yes… yes I would” I could see that satan was trying to get me to be afraid of the hidden unknown things of God.

As a couple weeks went on, I was praying in 1 Corinthians 13 where it was talking about “when I was a child I spoke, thought and reasoned as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things. I heard the same voice tell me that “the hidden things were not hidden, but because of my childish spiritual condition I was unable to see them.” I asked the Lord what He meant, and he used the analogy of a newborn baby.

When a baby is born into the world, they can only see what is right in front of their face (their hands). The room isn’t hidden from them, but they don’t see it. As their eyes mature, they start to see further away but are limited by their location. They lay in their crib, and can see the carrousel and the ceiling, but the door or floor isn’t visible.

As they learn to sit up, crawl, stand, walk, jump, run, ride a bike, drive a car and so on, their location changes as does their scope of vision. The hidden things are revealed as they grow up, and it can be a very frustrating for a parent to have kids think they are know-it-alls with every revelation they get.

The scripture tells us that the revelations will become useless and are only a part of the big picture. When my kids learned to ride a bike, the having “to relearn to walk” is useless. Learning to ride a bike, only reveals a small part of this huge world we live in. That principal is so very true in all areas of our life when it comes to growth.

I get very tired of hearing scientists claim to teach “facts” about the universe when we have not even left the crib scientifically. It is frustrating to hear philosophers ask me if a tree makes a sound when it falls if I am not there to see or hear it, when they breath air that cannot be seen or touched. It can be very frustrating to the Father in Heaven as He tells us to have faith, and we cannot grasp it because we don’t see it.

That teacher meant well, but she of all people should know that a child could never use the excuse for not wanting to go to school, being because they don’t want to be driven crazy by what they don’t currently understand. Could you imagine a student saying they don’t trust the teacher enough to believe that 6+6=12, because they don’t have enough fingers to verify it to be true? We have enough sense to know that a child could never understand history or science, if they cant read or write.

Once a student learns to read or write, to relearn it in order to study science or history is useless. It is silly when a child thinks they can teach a class, when all they can do is read or write, because that is only a small part of the big picture.

The Spiritual world is very real, and the Lord sees it, hears it, feels it, understands it, and is the final authority about it. It is foolishness to not have faith in Him, and childish to think we know more than Him. Just like it is my desire for my kids to grow to be adults and my responsibility to help them to get there, it is the Father’s desire and responsibility as well to see we have everything necessary to grow spiritually.

Learning to see with our spiritual eyes is the baby steps that we need to learn for eternity. The revelations in scripture that we get, are for our life on this earth, and it makes no sense to refuse to learn them until we “get to heaven.” To be afraid to grow because maturity scares us, is complete childishness and unnecessary fear.

I have heard it said that a person can become “so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good”, and that is a lie from hell. When a spiritual baby pretends to be an adult they become no earthly good, but a person who takes the time to seek the face of God and walk in His love, will become earthly good by the nature of maturity.

When a teenager claims to be an adult because they can have sex and buy booze, they become a burden to society. When a baby Christian refuses to grow up, they become a burden to mature Christians who have to go behind them and clean up after them. The conclusions drawn about adulthood by a child are never correct, because they draw conclusions from the attitude of “what can I get out of it”

The true mature adult, will seek to walk considering the interests of others first. They will give and not take. They protect and not hurt. A teenage boy, having sex to be a man, will high tail it and selfishly run away in self preservation when he gets a girl pregnate.

God wants us to desire to see through the spiritual eyes He gave us, but there are some mature guidelines. Believe His word even when you don’t understand (he is the teacher), ask Him what He wants you to learn (a student doesn’t demand to the teacher what will be taught in class), understand that a revelation is a small thing in the grand scheme of His vision (don’t get puffed up and stuck on your pet revelations), and by all means walk in love (we all grow at different speeds in different areas, we all have different talents and callings, we all live with different needs and live in different locations, but we all serve the same loving Lord Jesus and have the same Father in Heaven).

Father, thank you for opening the eyes of my understanding, I ask that you lift me where you want me, teach me and use me, help me to consider others better than myself, and I am so very grateful for using me in your Kingdom despite myself. I want to grow up to see and know you Father just as much as you know me.