Musings

July 30th, 2009

Pressure Relief

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Written by: Gene

I have been in a situation that has me questioning myself, and why I am where I am. I have been questioning alot in the last couple days.

Before I married Mary, I was in two relationships that hurt me to the point that I still make decisions based on what happened then. I don’t want to prejudge anyone, but I will admit that there are times when Mary does something out of character for her, and it makes me sick to my stomach.

My kids mother, really didn’t place any value on my ability to take care of her. She had a bad habit of blaming me and my genetics on certain medical issues (I know that they weren’t intentional, but it hurt anyway). From the time we were first engaged, I had to “get a real job” before I could marry her, because working for myself wasn’t reliable enough. She would rely on every source but her husband.

This was reinforced by other people as well, and the snowball effect of that led me to just quit… What made me realize that I had the ability to make a living, was as I was in “quit” mode playing a game called Second Life. My drive to have my own business really came out and I made good money (to the tune of over $1500 a month). At the same time I was working for other people and had a business outside of that game that paid me fairly well.

I will admit that I like working for myself, because me getting to be home with my family meant more to me. The sad thing is when you make enough to stay home, but it isn’t enough to keep your wife happy. All it leads to is her not wanting to stay home, because she feels that she needs to go work, to compensate to the losses you take staying home.

I can’t stand it when when people use “work” as an excuse as to why they don’t fulfill their family duties first. This is true especially when God is providing enough for you to meet your needs.

I really tried to provide for my ex-wife, but I was never good enough. She “could do and deserved better”, and I can see the fruits of her efforts. She is making money, all her bills are paid, and she has lots of time with the kids. She didn’t need me after all.

When she realized that she wanted to be away from me, I let her take everything (16 years worth) with her, and I came home to a mattress, love (with no love) seat, and my office (that wasn’t good enough to earn a living with).

We agreed to go our separate ways many months before she moved out, and so I sunk myself into Second Life to kill the pain. Little did I know, the devil was setting a trap to finish me off.

I met someone there who was by all means a major liar. She lied about everything from her age, that she smoked (probably on drugs too by the way she would behave), that her marriage was over and she was going through a divorce, and even lied to me about having kids (how a woman can deny her kids is beyond me).

She said that she loved me, and thought I was a great dad and provider. I never got that from my ex, and I fell for it “hook, line and sinker”. I realized that people who lie, are self serving people. When a person lies in just one area, they make people question everything they ever said, and the nails in my coffin were being driven in.

I guess I wanted to be loved so bad that I allowed myself to believe the lies, but when her husband called me and asked me if I wanted to “take over keeping her up” I realized what a fool I was.

Everyone that knows me, realized that I developed “woman” issues. That is not a good place to be when you have three daughters. I love my daughters, but they are women, and drive me nuts sometimes.

Mallory is moving to Tulsa Monday, and I am proud of her. She doesn’t come out to see me much since I got married, but I don’t blame her. She wanted her parents together, and there are so many dogs here that her allergies cause her to be physically miserable. She says it is because of gas or time, but I know the real reasons.

Misty spent the night in the ER Tuesday night, because her shoulder was hurting so bad. I can’t help but blame myself, because my trailer was made so that my kids would have a healthy place to live. I had nothing for allergies, doors were wide enough, and a ramp on the deck.

Over here, things are not really like they were at my old place. I just want to give my kids a place to stay where “medical problems” don’t stay the main focus of every day”. I still have things to do to make it right for them. Misty’s mattress isn’t really comfortable for someone with a rod in their back, and Molly isn’t used to living with dogs.

Really, a good bit of their responses to allergies are a mental battle. If you  look at your arm and say enough times “it itches”, all it takes is the slightest brush with the wind and you will scratch it. If you scratch it once, it will itch more as the skin is torn, and the lie is procreated. Until I can get them to see that, I have concessions to make…

In the movie Kingdom of Heaven, Balian of Ibelin said, “Be without fear in the face of your enemies. Safeguard the helpless. Never lie, even if it leads to your death; that is your oath.”

I like that oath, because that is how I try to live my life.

I am not afraid to take on anyone (big or small) who is so self absorbed that they walk on the helpless. I know who my enemies are, and that they are spiritual. I also know that when people allow themselves to be influenced by evil spiritual demons, they need to be lovingly restored, but if they still won’t consider how their actions effect the helpless, it is time for some smack-down.

I now have 5 kids total. Billy is 24 and a man who is capable of being on his own. Liz is married and expecting her first, and she is on her own.

Mallory was allowed (by her mom) to disobey me and she moved out at 17. She since decided to move back to her mom’s, and her mom is getting to reap the harvest of teaching her kids about “don’t tell your daddy”…  Mallory is on her own as well (at least in her mind she is). Mallory is getting ready to get some life lessons, and I hope that she is ready…

I have two left that I have to care for, and they are Misty and Molly. I couldn’t force their mom to keep vows, but I will keep mine to care for my kids who are helpless. Yes I will do my best to help the older 3, but my main responsibility is to Misty and Molly.

I made a promise to be with them, and not use their mom or work as an excuse to stay away from them. I don’t see how a dad can leave the entire family after a divorce. I never divorced my kids. I will fulfill that promise that I made to them simply by being a dad.

So here I am now. I am remarried to someone who wants to be with me. I do have issues when she does something that makes me feel like I am not good enough, or when she doesn’t fulfill a promise, but she is human. I would expect that she take the time to understand this about me, just like I take the time to understand her history as well.

I will admit that I miss it alot in that respect. I listened to her tell me all about her past, and I have made conscience efforts to not be that. I want her to see that I am trying, but when I tell her the ways I am being different I need to be careful to avoid making it seem like I am throwing it back in her face.

Anyone or anything that dares to put itself between us, is my enemy. My wife should be made first, kids are second (though we should never hurt the ones that we are still responsible to care for), and God almighty is head of it all.

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About the Author

Gene
A husband to an awesome wife, father to 3 beautiful girls, step-father to a beautiful girl and smart son. Preacher, Designer and best of all a Servant to a loving and gracious God.




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