Prayer and Fasting

December 23rd, 2014

I Owe You An, “I Am Sorry”

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Written by: Gene

It has been over 8 months that I have been walking through this Job(esque) attack, and I am sure that the enemy has had this planned for even longer. This attack has been mentioned a couple times in past posts, and when it is over I will definitely be needing to make a testimony of the journey.

It is very sobering to realize that there is someone out there who wants you dead, and it is surprising when you find out who it is. I will get into that later…

This attack that I have been walking through, has been a very hard one on me, and I don’t wish it on my worst enemy. I have been stuck in a chair 24/7 for over 7 months, because of that I get maybe 3-4 hours of sleep a night, and my mind isn’t as sharp as it once was. It started with a massive amount of swelling, that led to open leaking wounds in my lower legs. The swelling has covered most of my body, compressed my organs, and reduced my stamina to the point that I can barely walk to the bathroom. There were times, I wanted to pray to just be taken home to heaven, and the pain has been such like I never felt before.

I don’t normally talk about that, because I discovered something disturbing about my flesh. My flesh likes attention. It likes it to the point that it will allow anything in as long as it can get praise, sympathy or any type affirmation from others. My flesh doesn’t care if the thing that it lets in will kill it, as long as it can draw attention to itself. My flesh is very self-destructive and has been my worst enemy.

That is why we need to be careful about complaining. We will allow all sorts of evil into our lives, for a few crumbs of sympathy.

When this all started, I decided to not go to the doctors or seek the counsel of the medical profession. I needed God to get me through this 100%. In the beginning, I made some mistakes by researching on the internet, but that backfired on me. When I prayed, the Lord told me to not try to understand or know what was going on, just be assured that He knew what was going on and to trust in Him.

So here I am, praying and meditating in my chair. My attitude has changed a lot during these months concerning certain things. When you get to a point that you are willing to pray for Jesus to take you home, some things don’t seem as important as they used to. Relationships are one of these things that I have been faced with.

When you become the object of someone’s complete disdain and hatred, it is better to step away and give them their space. I have had to do that to quite a few people, because no matter what I tried, all I did was make them hate me more. The only thing I knew to do, was to give them less me.

I was directed by the Holy Spirit to do this when I was faced with this situation, and I makes me sad when I see how many people out there really don’t like me. Especially those who I love dearly, but can no longer trust.

I don’t need to be told I was right, and I don’t need your apologies. I forgave you long ago, and you owe me nothing. I wish no ill towards you, and pray that you are blessed in all you do. I wish you knew the freedom found in turning all your problems over to Jesus.

I offer you no excuses or apologies. I will stay away forever so that you will be in peace. In fact, I would rather you consider me as having died, than to waste your time hating me. I am not worth it. You have too much in your future, than to allow yourself to be hindered by your past.

All I will say is, “I am sorry that things came to this. My hope is that when eternity is come, and we will be free of these sinful bodies,  we will have a second chance to be friends.”

About the Author

A husband to an awesome wife, father to 3 beautiful girls, step-father to a beautiful girl and smart son. Preacher, Designer and best of all a Servant to a loving and gracious God.

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